But do note that most victims of abuse never know the details, and what needs to be focussed on is managing symptoms such as high anxiety, depression, and self-abusive behaviours, but you don’t seem to be dealing with those. Hi there. I’m a girl, and I just recently turned 18. I want to trust her, and I want to let those feelings go, but I don’t know how. You might want to also read our article on the new definition of sexual abuse. They laugh at me as they molest me and I always wake up feeling disgusting and used, usually in tears or heart racing. I still know and am close with both of these people today and I don’t know how to handle this. And I would get sexual, a few I actually had sex with, but every time after I would feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. Katrina, what is clear here is that you know you are suffering. At Harley Therapy all of our therapists have a minimum of five years of experience working with clients just like you. Sexual abuse can cause many issues, not just in your behaviours, but in your relationships, your sex life, the way you treat yourself, and even in your physical wellbeing. So it’s very important you seek support. Every single time I stayed at their house. Is there any way you could find professional support with all this? I could have been a child or 18 or even 22? The brain itself is not a storage unit, it is a flexible machine highly susceptible to suggestion, so if anyone did tell you they can retrieve false memories is really unethical. I can’t even be honest about my name or personal details because everything makes me feel dirty. My dad would get angry with my mom and would call me to get in the car and go with him. I just hope she will eventually go find the files and start to heal. Nowadays therapist all over the world can work with you. We aren’t sure what age your cousin was at the time, but you might find our article on child on child sexual abuse relevant https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/child-sexual-play-abuse.htm. These children often go to great lengths to de-identify themselves with their siblings, in an attempt to make a different and individualized identity for themselves as they feel like they were "squeezed out" of their families. So we’d definitely say based on that alone it would be worth talking to a counsellor or psychotherapist. Writing on our country-forums seems too risky and I really need to leave it somewhere, even if no one ever reads it. It certainly wasn’t your fault in the slightest. Hi April, we are really glad to hear you have reached out for support. Thats where everything goes black, but not the normal falling asleep black. Children are total sponges. You seem to feel that any kind of sexual experience or desire is shameful and ‘bad’. It’s almost like I feel numb with penetration. Being me makes me feel sick. I feel that memories/emotions are surfacing through the EMDR but still no hard evidence. My mom showed me her notes she wrote down of our behavior back then and the hospital report cuz mom took me to hospital to have doc look at area to see if there was signs of being molested, but I would not allow anybody to get close to that area I wouldn’t let them take pants and underwear off and was crying so no exam done. The social interaction that occurs as a result of birth order however is the most notable. Do you feel you might also suffer from some of the following? My dad then laid next to me and slid his hands down my my pants. 2 I knew what oral sex was even before kindergarten. I was uncomfortable but I wanted him to think I was cool so I went along with it. I can’t remember what it was called but I know it was something to do with him telling me to do stuff and then I do it and visa Versa it was like dares but different. i have NEVER felt that before. I have been with my husband 28 years. I never had any friends growing up either. I don’t know if I’m completely repressing something horrible that happened to me, or if Bill was just a creepy guy and I’m reading too much into this. I’d really appreciate any kind of help. Psychoanalytical psychotherapy came up with the still popular idea that when things are too traumatic for the conscious brain they are delegated to the hidden ‘unconscious’ mind. But also, unless we or someone else had a time machine, there is nobody who can tell you if you were or weren’t raped. The only thing that can change that will be a deep willingness to say this is enough, I deserve to feel better, and then to reach out and seek support to start to move forward. I was better after I remembered my childhood. I struggle trusting anyone, feelijng that eventually they are going to let me down, doesn’t matter if its my wife, my parents, friends, I have difficulty letting anyone in.